K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
