The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
