Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
