The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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