Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
