I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
