The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Found the puke drawer
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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