im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
