Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
