the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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