We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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