Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
