I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
