Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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