I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My ATM looks so different sober.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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