I am in a vortex of obligation.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
