Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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