We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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