Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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