I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
