Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Randomize
