I just made out with a guy for $7.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
