Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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