Dude my mom stole all your condoms
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
