Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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