I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
