True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
