you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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