I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
