i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
