i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Is it penis luge time yet?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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