Did you just see the Batmobile???
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
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