The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
