you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
