why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
