guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
