I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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