you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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