Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
