fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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