What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Randomize
