I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
