i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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