Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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