Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
