my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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