mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My sheets look like a crime scene.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
