well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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