Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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