guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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