I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
