Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
